Disclaimers – August 6, 2022


graphix” spwilcen


MA Language:
May contain adult concepts – reality, truth, full disclosure, and/or sarcasm

No. 48:
Which reads: “May contain milk/peanuts/soy/wheat.”

This one is easy pickings.  Let’s take Milk, Moo Cow Juice, Bossy Cola, Bovine Lactose Leakage.

“Pardon me. What are you buying there?”

“A gallon of milk.”

“‘Milk,’ did you say?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you have selected the right item from the dairy case.”

“Unh, if you’ll excuse me, I need to be on my way. The missus expects me home soon.”

“With that?”

“Well, yes.  That’s why I’m here.”

“You do know, don’t you, that contains milk?”

“Milk? No? Really?”

“Read the side panel.”

“Really don’t have time for this.  I need to…”

“Read it. It’s for your protection.”

“I don’t drink the stuff.”

“Why buy it?”

“It’s for the kids.”

“Ye gods, man! You let your children drink that?”

“Well, um, yes, of course.”

“You don’t like your kids?”

“Love them matter of fact.  My youngest daughter, for example…”

“Pu-lease!  Read the damned label!”

“Um. Okay. One serving contains the following percentage of the U-S-R-D-A suggested…”

“Not that.  The small print. At the bottom.”

“Didn’t bring my glasses.”

“I’ll read if for you.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“Facility KE 177 July 6 2022… No, um here it is: Contains milk, Riboflavin…”

“Enough! Milk?“

“Haven’t even got to the good part yet…”

“No!  Put it back.  I’ll get something else for the kids. Orange juice maybe.”

“Be sure to read the label.”

“Contains milk? Orange juice contains milk?”

“No, but oranges…”

“Damn! I’ll get something else.”

“Beer aisle is one over.  Good on Animal Oat Crunchies, you know.”

Legitimate number forty-eights might read:

May contain formaldehyde.
May contain cellulose.
Contains stems and leaf fragments.
Contains insect parts.
May contain Lenny Warshaw’s left pinkie, or pieces of it.
Contains Polysorbate-80.
May contain cyanide traces.
May contain Listeria.
Contains insane added sugars.
Contains dirt.
Contains six forms of sodium.
Contains no healthy ingredients.

Published by spwilcen

Retired career IT software engineer, or as we were called in the old days, programmer, it's time to empty my file cabinet of all the "creative" writing accumulated over the years - toss most of it, salvage and publish what is worthwhile.

15 thoughts on “Disclaimers – August 6, 2022

  1. Re-reading your article in six months may make us wish we had planned ahead and stored food products. What are the ingredients in powdered milk and other dry packaged food/rations that last 20+ years?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah. You are planning another 20? I’m not sure, personally how excited I am about the prospect of another 20. Don’t get me wrong, I’m tickled to tears every morning wondering who I can screw with each day, but twenty more years? Most everyone I know (and have scores to settle with) will have checked-out.

      Like

      1. You are just getting started…besides, I doubt any human being would want to survive on rations for 20 years. However, the prevailing insanity may require us to go two to 10 years. Perhaps we need to tune-up our bicycles and purchase the essentials – food, water, some good boots, warm clothing, etc. I heard a multi-billionaire predict oil prices at $500 per barrel just yesterday. Imagine what that price would do to our farmers and transporters.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Already been (sanely and quietly) scaling-back and have built a downstairs pantry. Next is to finish-off the root cellar. Big plans to make my own pickles [yes, yes, I know, not much of an essential, but it’s a bucket-listee] and wine. Have too, plans afoot with my son to design a stone patio to replace the deck so the perimeter of the patio can be a tiered vegetable garden. Am training hawks [less attentive than falcons, but one uses what one has at his/her/its/choose-not-to-specify disposal] to be more aggressive with the nasty hopping-shits. Biggee for me is to finish the PAINting so I can slide into autumn and early winter devoting time to reading and writing. YOU do good things, out there, JP.

        Like

    2. Sir. Expand your WP “presence.” With a contact page. If you don’t have reason not to, with an “about.” There are many like-minded folk out there you will do well to exchange frustrations with. Good to “listen” to a few too, who 180 your philosophies: one learns facing sheer cliffs and swollen rivers. Consider it. One is never too busy.

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  2. Bloody hell! It doesn’t contain stardust, absinth or clorox! I will not drink another glass of that stuff so lacking in nutritious ingredients! Common sense indeed. Don’t we need formaldehyde to avoid Botox injections? Hmm…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Gets to that point, I’d best be burned and spread into the compost pile. When I’m done with this vessel. it will be of little use, earthly or otherwise, to either angel or demon.

        Liked by 1 person

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