Pretend you understand what this means.
I’m tired of explaining. This Scares the hell out of 1,000 words.
Go look for a kitty cat picture.
Espie hasn’t visited in awhile
“Looks like rain.”
“What’s rain ‘look like,’ Jimmy?”
“You know, Mister Espie. Clouding-up. Temperatures dropping. Bit of wind.”
“Yeah. I was just jerking your chain.”
“You do that a lot.”
“Only way to hold some folks’ attention.”
“Not so much.”
“Then why you mess with me so often?”
“Practice. Never know when I’m gonna run into an idiot.”
“Or a jerk.”
“Yep. And you’re right. It looks like rain.”
“Be tough to mow today.”
“Yep. Rain five straight days. Front yard looks like a Kentucky horse pasture.”
“Gonna go yet one more day.”
“At Least. Maybe I’ll fence-in the yard. Turn sheep loose.”
“Neighbors won’t care for that.”
“Tell them they’re imported rabbits. They like rabbits.”
“Ma don’t. Ate her spring flowers.”
“So much grass, yet rabbits go after flowers and vegetables. Probably Republicans. Nuisances.”
“Republicans or rabbits?”
“Might make a case considering Republicans.”
“You’re messing with me again, right?”
“Right. Rabbits though, breed disastrously in the burbs. Natural predators less likely to try to get along in a crowd. Life-lesson there, if you look close enough.”
“Gonna let it go today, Jimmy. Promised the missus no politics to keep my blood pressure down. But you’re right. Can’t shoot’m. Tree huggers get all pissy. ‘Nature’s beasts.’ they say. ‘Cute,’ they say. ‘Leave’m be,’ they say.”
“Yep. Near as bad as squirrels.”
“Squirrels a problem? Thought Clutch kept the squirrels honest.”
“Squirrels dig holes in the lawn to bury walnuts and acorns. Uproot vegetables in the garden. Your Ma’ll vouch for that. Democrats, I think. Clutch chases hell out of the squirrels but even he considers rabbits worthless. Besides, the old man is gettin old. Like someone else here.”
“But you can’t eliminate them either.”
“Squirrels or Democrats?”
“Squirrels, unfortunately not. Reasonably sure it’s not legal to get rid of Democrats either, but I’m just as sure they themselves passed that law. Given the choice…”
“Squirrels and rabbits designed to some purpose, though.”
“If you believe in that.”
“Design. Purpose. Belief . Take your pick.”
“Well, let’s start with design.”
“Better not go there. Remember, I promised to try to keep my blood pressure down.”
“Make a case in front of town council. I mean about allowing rabbit and squirrel removal.”
“Already on record about what I mean when I say, ‘removal.’ Mostly tree huggers, I think. Not a man of the land among’m. ‘Sides, I don’t like stepping in dog shit.”
“Or running around cleaning up after.”
“Good one, Jimmy. I’d suggest you run for council but suspect you can do much more with your life.”
“Gonna study law.”
“Shame. More noble professions out there.”
“Managing a whorehouse. Maybe not. Come to think of it, that’s like being mayor or a councilman. Anyway, finish high school first. Pay attention to what it means to be a lawyer.”
“Or a farmer.”
“Worked for your daddy and his dad.”
“Aw geeze, here comes the rain.”
“Your fault, Jimmy.”
“Pulling my chain again, right?”
“See you later.”
“Sure, and Jimmy?”
“Messing with you about studying law too. You’d make a fine lawyer.”
Mess with me. Messing with you. Jerking your chain. Poking fun [at you]. Stepping on your cord. Shaking your tree. Usually with sarcasm and hyperbole.
Tree huggers. Misinformed, misguided, lunatic weeping willows.
Natural predators. Hawks, foxes, feral cats, Ford F150 pickups, baseball bats.
Breed disastrously in the burbs. In the absence of natural predators, the phrase “breed like rabbits” [usually couched in x-rated phraseology] proves all too true. Unchecked, and with all manner of fescue, roses, lettuce, spinach, hostas, tomatoes, and such to munch [devastate], thrive. Gestating in just over 40 days, producing five to twelve kits maturing in three months, and littering 3 or four times a year, do the math. As bad as Democrats.
Try to get along in a crowd. Foxes and hawks recognize the bounty available but are leery of humans. Humans, who are ready to protect cuddly bunnies [advise against it, fleas infest rabbits terribly, but not enough to drain sufficient blood to kill them] feel no similar compunction to picking up any handy object and chasing a fox from the neighborhood. Or calling Animal Control. Hawks can navigate between houses and garages but suburban yards offer too much more ready cover for rabbits than an alfalfa field. Hawks and foxes steer clear of dense human populations. Animal wisdom. Feral cats? Why work at being feral [eating rabbits and squirrels] when the retired school teacher will put out a tin of tuna every day for free? Republicans. [Cats or school teacher? Take your pick.] More animal wisdom.
Managing a whorehouse. Okay, prudes, maybe not a noble profession by everyone’s standards, but it’s honest. Politics, on the other hand? And the association to/with lawyers? C’mon, man [thank you, Sleepy Creepy] lawyers and wannabe lawyers and businessmen and educators constitute the majority of professional politicians. Businessmen are righteously noted scoundrels. Educators, not to be outdone, are trying to emulate businessmen. Back to lawyers, what better way to perpetuate your advantage than to enact the laws guaranteeing it?
Life-lesson. Geeze. I gotta lay it all out here? This piece darkly hints at religion, organized politics, social lunacy, economic parasites, creationism, the Master Plan. Only thing I missed was sex. Unless you consider the breeding cycle of rabbits explained above.
Clutch. Several shorts of humorous conversations between Espie and Clutch, his otherwise undescribed faithful hound buddy, have been published repeatedly. [Not surprisingly, loaded with moral and message, thus cascading over 1,000 words easily, ignored for the most part.] Clutch [in younger years] kept squirrels in check, questioned Espie for answers about subjects difficult for a hound [and as it turns, humans] to immediately understand, and introduced Epsie to several of his canine peers.
2 thoughts on “Rain, Grass, Rabbits, Squirrels, and Whorehouses – August 26, 2022”
I love this. Great points. And humorous. And pretty spot on.
Gonna bet of say 10 “readers” only three read this, and maybe two understood it to the point of recognizing pokes at welfare, liberal twits, politicians, and social malaise. Sad commentary. Thanks for dropping by. Six more posts to go.