What I Am and What I Ain’t – February 25, 2022

Graphix: spwilcen

Note to Ed Woz: the post I alluded to is deferred.  Sorry.

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After reading one of my incendiary or idiotic posts, curious folk have asked, among other questions, if I’m really that much an idiot, that much a sexist, that flipping old, if I’ve missed my morning meds, and who really posed for my profile picture.  Here’s a [hopefully] short Public Service Spot [and a hurry-up daily post] to lay some suspicions to rest.

Besides that, it’ll be fun.

Nearly everyone: “Let’s try to keep it under five hundred words, Bubba.”

spwilcen: “Okay. Start the ticker…”

Woz: “Hell, let’r rip!”

spwilcen: “Like your style Woz. Keep count anyway.”

Language, innuendo

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Accused of being a misogynist.  I’m not.  But facts is facts.
A misandrist? Nope.  Check the next one out.
Okay, how about a misanthrope?  I am.  The percentage is deteriorating but presently seventy-five percent of ‘Muricans¹ are DNA sludge. Go ahead, argue this.  We’ll become life-long correspondents à la Buckley and Vidal.² The difference is that were I a misandrist or misogynist, I’d hate all men or all women.  Nope.  I can name four or five members of the two legit genders I don’t hate.  How about self-declared genders? I lack experience there sufficient to claim statistical significance.

Vindictive.  Yup.  Not proud, but not looking to change, either.  Part of ‘vindictive’ is a sense of being wronged and willing to seek redress in whatever way. Sign me up.
Forgiving.  Yup. [See previous.  Figger that one out!] Tip: after a decade or so, it’s not that I’ve forgotten, but that I no longer care.

Patient.  Not usually.  Can be when I need to impress someone, need something from someone, could go to jail for taking impulsive remedial action, find the [lady] person testing my patience insanely good to look at, or am amused by someone’s idiocy.  Um, yeah.  When the [guy] person has fifty pounds, forty years, and five or six inches altitude³ on me, that’s another reason to be patient.
Impatient. Always, when I’ve said something twice to no effect and when I have to pee [and the condition enters its second hour of urgency]. Sometimes when I’m dealing with a recalcitrant democrat⁴ or republican⁴ or a checkout clerk.

Old fart. I am.
Old codger.  I’m not. I’m as hip as the next guy over forty. Hipper than most. Hell, I’m cooler than a lot of people.

Lover.  Think so. Lately, see…
Fighter. Took some serious shots in my run up to this point.  Returned a few.  Rather not anymore.  Takes longer now for my lip to heal, a swolled-up⁵ eye to open, and I’d like to keep the few solid teeth I have left. To boot, most of the yutes⁶ today have fifty pounds, forty years, and six inches altitude on me.

Tolerant. Yupper. I’ve learned a lot keeping my mouth shut and my E’s⁷ open.
Intolerant. Sooner or later, because there comes a point, you know…

Dreamer. Sure. Before one can be a ‘doer,’ one must be a dreamer, to imagine what must be done lest one operate out of ignorance.
Doer.  Again, sure. After dreaming [scheming, imagining, analyzing] what must be doer-ed. Acting on someone else’s idea makes you not a doer but a follower.

Precrastinator.  Yessir. And somewhat compulsive, impulsive, but not over-eager. Make mistakes.  “I’m sorry,” is a great eraser and much more flexible than “May I?”
Procrastinator. Can I get back to you on that?

Conservative.  I am.
Liberal.  Only insofar as being tolerant.  Not if liberal means I have to give all my pay in taxes to support grifters, illegals, lazy b*****ds, corporations, government boondoggles, and free pony rides.

Male.  Duh.
White.  Like I had a choice?  This should embarrass me? [Okay, at times, it does, but not for any reason you might expect or salivate over if you’re a racist or extremist of either pole.]
Heterosexual. [Snicker]

Republican. I’m not.
Democrat.  Like Republican is bad and Democrat is good? I’m not.
Independent.  Fiercely. Problem is, independents lack leadership.  When we get ‘leadership,’ we’ll lose our ‘independent-ness.’

Principled.  So much so it’s a flaw.
Unscrupulous.  I’d sure like to be, but I really don’t have the testicles.

Luddite.  Definitely not.
Techie.  Used-to be. Can’t keep up now. Don’t want to except in emergencies. That’s why you have children and grandchildren.

Arrogant.  As many shortcomings as I readily own up to, that’s ridiculous.
Humble.  Of course. Isn’t that obvious?

Sexist.  Sure. Without sex there’d be no next genera…  Oh.  You meant in that way? Um. No. Account of there’s a “table,” it’s turning, so I might be on the short side soon.  If not, I’m damned tired of overcorrecting.  Ask any riverboat captain.  Pretty sure he’ll warn that overcorrecting is not good practice; one bank holds as much danger as the other, if you get my drift.  [Ha!  A pun?]
Feminist Define that, then I’ll answer.
[Male] Chauvinist.  Yupper. Hold doors open for anyone, any gender [sex, self-conceptualization, whatever]. Yield my place in line to a handicapper or the gent with only three items.

Religious. Not.
Atheist.  Not close enough to death to know for certain.

Genius.  [Snort!]  You’re messing with me, right?
Idiot.  Yup.  At times.  Usually at the worst times.

Creative. I think so.
Unimaginative. When I’m tired, pressed for time, or backed into a corner.

Humorous.  I wish.  I mean, I try, but my ‘humor’ doesn’t sit well with a goodly number of folk. [I rather think many don’t understand enough of what I’ve written to see humor.  [Snort! Most don’t even read what I write, so they stand no chance of understanding.]
Serious. Time and a place for everything. Lately not a lot of time for humor.  Too many wrongs to be righted.  [Wonder if my cape and tights are back from the cleaners?]

Crude.  Can be.  I submit that’s due to the generation that raised me, and my own generation.  We most all worked for Uncle Chuck.⁸ I am unimpressed by the new-wave television and movie dialogue, so phony, trite, and overworked, all for effect never achieved.
Genteel. Um, which fork do I use first?

Extrovert. If need be, But it’s just for show. Guess that means “No.”
Introvert. Sometimes a man just gotta be alone.
Ambivalent.  No.  I do most things only with my right hand.

Loyal.  Yeah, but don’t piss me off.
Steadfast.  Nobody steadfaster than me.  No. Wait.  Um…

Ugly. You mean like ugly-tempered?  Sure.  Sometimes, you deserve it.
Handsome. [ Snort!  Excuse me, I really have to go pee now!]

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Ships.  Almost a thou.  Nertz.  I tried.

— International notes

¹ Not sure but I think the term “Americans” was corrupted to “’Muricans” indicative of Usoffa [USofA] folk being ignorant, lazy, backward, red-neck, and slovenly and damned proud of it.

² W^m F was my hero for his cool, erudite pomposity well disguised by the fact he used words most folk, including me, didn’t understand and had no idear what the hell he’d just said, but it damn sure sounded inarguable.  G V was an equally pompous prick with confused politics, but I sure had to admire him for pressing W^m F’s buttons. Google W F Buckley or Gore Vidal. The date you’re interested in is 8/28/1968.

³ Suggesting the dude younger, heavier, and taller than me.  Didn’t matter in the olden days, when I was really stupid.  Now I’m convinced one or two of the three at once, I stand a chance.  Dude’s got’m all, “But Momma!  He’s bigger’n me!”  By the way, fancy I’m still really stupid, but less really stupid than in the olden days.

⁴ Redundant, I know, but I wanted to be clear.

⁵ ‘Swolled’ is Georgia boy ‘swollen.”  Hate to give up the spit and polish I spent forty years perfecting linguistically.

⁶ ‘Yute’ is North Providence for youth. You think Jersey boys is got tough slang, you oughta try hanging with a hard boiled yute from Federal Hill.

⁷ Eyes and ears.

⁸ Uncle Chuck AKA Uncle Sam – in the Armed Services.  Drafted or volunteer. Not a lot of “Golly!  Jeepers!  Do we really have to do that?” Grin, grit your teeth, and do it.  Blow off steam inventing expletives. Sweat or wet your pants.

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Geeze.  That was fun.